[door closes]
[colonial-era music plays]
Dear black people:
Congratulations.
You've escaped the tyranny of four years
under a profoundly qualified and eloquent leader.
Hope it's worth ruining what's left of democracy by putting a reality star
in the Black House.
Preach, sister! [snapping fingers]
Dear black people:
Yes, we can still share Drake,
but I don't care how much your president says it,
you can't have "cracka."
I hear it come out your mouth, you're getting a punch in the throat.
Now,
don't sing along to this.
♪ Well, some might call me A good time fella ♪
♪ I ain't black and I ain't yella ♪
♪ Just a white boy lookin' for a place To do my thing ♪
I have a confession to make.
I've been binge-watching 7th Heaven.
Abigail!
So many underaged girls were harmed in the making of that program.
Where else can I see true white love?
No offense. You and Reggie are adorable.
It's just that the most attention I've ever gotten from a black man
is when Professor Jenkins covered the European slave trade.
- ["American Pharaoh" by Jase Harley plays] - ♪ What you say? ♪
Ugh.
Adult contemporary?
A sure sign black people have invaded our once-safe space.
Did they just... mean-mug us?
Of course they did.
Do you know what kind of fire you started with your whiter-than-thou vitriol?
One sadly not big enough to take hold
of whatever you've got attached to your head.
A hype man has the nuclear codes
because people in the middle of the country
can't tell the difference between reality TV and the news.
[reporter] We now go live at a Flav rally in the US capital of Atlanta.
Yeah, boy!
That's right, I'm the president round this bitch right now,
you know what I'm saying?
And y'all gon' listen to me!
'Cause I wear the motherfucking clock around here.
A'ight!
Imagine what kind of nonsense this clown will inspire.
I'm going on strike.
From what? Class?
Whatever it takes.
The first order of business that I will conduct
is to build a wall around this bitch, a'ight?
And who's gon' pay for that motherfucker?
Canada!
America is gonna be special reserve
'cause we where the party at.
Someone get this nigga off the TV.
How come you can say "nigga," but if someone says the C-word...
Neck punches. I've been over this.
Hey, that's reverse racism, Sam.
Hey, President Flav wasn't my first choice,
but he and Hillary have both had their cons, you have to admit.
Their cons? Only one of them has their original teeth.
Fuck.
I hope there's an alternate reality where this white lady achieves her dreams.
All right, let's cut this off.
White student union has the lounge.
Can you imagine the outrage if there were a black student union?
Okay, okay.
You know how I feel about PDA.
Sorry!
Couldn't help myself.
How you doing?
Black day for the nation, but, uh, what else is new?
Well, a few of us
are going to go talk to Professor Brown about this backdoor integration of A-P.
The nation's fucked, so we're focusing on local politics.
Well, uh...
- let me know how it goes. - Okay.
Good to see you, Reginald.
[woman] White culture is on the verge of extinction, we need...
Integration of A-P was supposed to be temporary, for Christ's sake.
The sound of a saxophone dying they call "jazz"
is making it impossible to study.
[Brown] Did you come to talk to me or to each other?
Because brother's missing mac-n-cheese day at Bechet.
Yeah, mac-n-cheese without breadcrumbs?
- That's a hard pass. - [Brown] Come on, now.
I got something big to deal with this A-P situation.
We got to go back to our roots,
and do what our people have always done in times of strife.
How is a hootenanny going to de-integrate A-P?
Not that. We got to sue.
Just like White v. Board of Education.
That's what I'm talking about!
The ACLU has agreed to represent us.
I just need signatures from all the WSU members to authorize,
and we can make A-P white again
before the semester is out.
Well, shoot!
[applause, cheering]
[woman] I believe the question you really want answered is:
why is there a wall around your heart?
Am I right?
- [reporter] No. - Yes.
No.
Yes!
See, America?
Divisiveness.
Next question.
[Reggie] Damn, Dereca.
I can't believe so many people are playing into this.
Oh, no?
It's almost like you and I attend two totally different schools.
He has a right to his anger.
Things will calm back down around here once you get A-P back.
Yeah.
What's up?
We need to talk.
- You know Joelle Brooks? - What about her?
She's saying something happened...
with Professor Brown.
Something? Like what?
He made a pass... at her.
More than a pass.
Come on! Are you kidding?
Like this country doesn't have a history of black women accusing white men?
You think I want to be the one to bring this to you?
I know how much Moses means to you and the movement.
He was important to her, too.
Look...
I wouldn't bring this to you if I wasn't absolutely sure.
She is always talking crap.
I mean, I know you have a thing for dark meat, Sam,
but how can you believe this without the evidence?
She has a ripped dress.
And she said she was blackout drunk after one glass of wine.
She probably just got black girl wasted and she's too embarrassed to admit it.
This is Reggie we're talking about.
- He wouldn't lie. - So, what?
We're just going to give them Moses? Let them take A-P?
Rearm the security staff?
After all we fought for, we're going to let them win?
Even if Professor Brown made a little mistake...
This wasn't a mistake.
[crowd chanting] Build that wall! Build that wall! Build that wall!
[chanting continues, distorted]
[Kurt] Well, then.
I think we all know exactly what we have to do.
Fuck.
Yeah.
We have to kill Joelle.
- We can make it look like food poisoning. - That's a good idea.
I have an in at the lab where they keep all the shrooms.
[Kurt] Wait, even the fun ones?
Focus.
We'll celebrate after the murder.
[Gabe] Yeah.
[Reggie] I didn't want you to have to read it with everyone else.
I make it a habit to avoid Brooke's fan fiction.
It's more than that, Reg.
So what are y'all trying to say?
That black folks can't see past their own hero worship?
Sometimes.
Reggie, I'm right there with you, man.
- This shit ain't easy. - [coughs]
Bro, I'm not a sucker.
Okay? And if y'all are trying to make some statement against the real Moses,
you should know Muffy said nothing happened.
I think she's being silenced.
Either by the admin or by someone in particular.
Silenced.
What, Brooke told you that?
Huh?
Brooke don't care about nobody but herself,
and she'll trample over anybody just to get what she wants.
Look at how she treats Lionel.
How she is with Gabe. Kelsey.
Don't shoot the messenger, bruh.
Go on and put your little bullshit magazine out.
[video game monster screeches]
Try and make your name off the efforts of the only real ally we fucking have.
Whatever, man.
[text alert chimes]
[pauses video game]
[sighs]
On his way?
No idea.
Shit. So things...
Wi-fi is acting crazy,
and anyway, this is your moment.
- Of judgment. - Hmm.
Hey, Shid. How's Bechet?
- Good. - We miss you at A-P.
That is nice to hear.
We should get coffee and catch up.
Mm-hmm. Oh.
So, how do these things work?
Uh, it's nothing. You just watch and give feedback.
Will I be compensated?
What, hanging with me isn't enough?
Oh, Lionel.
Not really, no.
[Sam] Okay, everyone.
Thank you for coming.
You're about to watch the beginning of an unfinished student documentary.
Sorry, but the doors are locked.
- I was promised a Griggins-athon. - [Sam chuckles]
I'm woefully late on getting the green light to my junior thesis,
but hopefully when the faculty sees what you're about to watch,
that changes.
I just... I want to know if it moves you, bores you.
Just be honest.
[crowd applauding]
[fanfare plays]
[Lionel] The pyramid metaphor,
as told to me by someone wiser:
Humans are pyramid builders.
We organize ourselves into labor classes to support...
...special people like gods, kings,
Beyoncé.
Join King Louis and myself,
by exploiting the proletariat
and eviscerating the middle class.
We do the work, they provide the vision
as well as the consequences if things don't work out.
Do this with the celebrities, the one percent.
- Straight people. - Tyrannical magazine editors.
- Overly sensitive libtards. - Right-wingers.
Ancient professors who've been so cruel for so long that enrolling and enduring
in their abuse is just another Ivy pastime.
Where I'm from,
my voice didn't matter to anyone outside my family.
Even though you're in a place designed to amplify your voice,
it turns out no one wants to listen to a woman
unless she's saying what they want to hear.
[Lionel] From above, the apex of the pyramid look insignificant.
Your eye goes to the square,
and the lines that unite each of its corners.
This is where most of us live.
God, I'm such a nerd.
That is not news, my sweet.
Shh.
There's a hot nerd on-screen.
[Sam] Could the difference between tyranny and freedom
be as simple as a change in perspective?
We haven't tried that yet.
You think they liked it?
[crowd chattering]
[man] We all loved it. Right, guys?
[woman] Yeah, loved it. Absolutely.
I heard the sound of my own voice, and I somehow still loved it.
That's how much I loved it.
[Sam] You're sweet.
- I... - Sam, truly, I was amazing in this.
Great job getting out of the way of my brilliance.
You should be proud. Keep going.
[Sam] Thanks.
[overlapping chatter continues]
[mouthing silently]
Well, thank God that was amazing.
Yeah, she really pulled it out.
I was worried I was gonna have to compliment something inarguable
like the music and then run away.
- You don't run. - No, I do not.
So, when do we get a sneak peek of your genius?
Right now I have a tuition bill due for the remainder of the year
that I have no idea how to pay.
Wait, because of the TA strike?
No.
No, the...
TA strike is the only card I got left to play.
- It's bad, Joe. - [exhales quietly]
- Babe, you're gonna blow the panel away. - Thanks.
- I'm so proud of you. - So good.
- Thanks, guys. - You really did it.
You guys are the best. So supportive.
Hey, I'll be back. But we're a thing. Love us.
- We're great. - [Sam laughs]
Hey, Shid. Um, don't forget about the coffee.
Just anywhere but Ways & Beans 'cause I feel like we've moved in there.
We don't have to do that thing where we talk about getting coffee
instead of getting coffee.
Shid, I mean it, I miss you.
How can you miss someone you barely even noticed?
Hey, babe.
Ready to go?
- Oh. Hey, Joe. - Hey, Ikumi.
Hold on a second, baby.
Tell Reggie I said hi.
Wherever he is.
[Lionel] We should get out of here. I'm tired of talking about pyramids.
Well, I can't lie.
Hearing you talk about pyramids?
Low-key a turn on.
Wish I could hang,
but I got to go.
I'm going to go return some videotapes.
Was that perfunctory or ironic?
Perfunctory or Ironic will be the name of that one's autobiography.
Want some company?
["Way Too Far" by Phony PPL plays]
Chester is clearly into this guy, Brown Eyes.
- Hmm. - But there's some baggage
holding him back in every issue.
The problem is, he never says what it is to Brown Eyes or to anyone.
[Lionel chuckles]
Spoiler alert.
It just seems so unfair...
to Brown Eyes.
You know?
So everyone knows it's me.
Your secret is safe for now.
D'unte has this...
working theory that it's your...
former editor, Silvio.
I feel like I...
just got my Gay-ED.
And I want to take the Michael class.
I just don't know if I have enough prerequisites.
I have HIV,
and that scares you.
I enjoy your way with words,
but right now would be a great time to just be direct.
I don't know how to say the things I want to ask.
Just say it.
Just ask.
Or...
maybe you don't have the prerequisites.
How does it work?
Sex-wise. How does it work?
My meds do most of the work.
I'm undetectable.
I get tested every month,
and I only play safe with partners who know my status.
Yeah, there's a theoretical risk.
Putting myself out there has proven to be the riskiest part.
Probably why with someone I really like,
sex isn't my first priority.
No?
I think a good relationship...
is a safe space,
a place where two people can be who they are,
and not be judged for it.
That,
it takes time to build with someone.
Look, Lionel,
you just let me know, okay?
♪ Every time I'm by myself ♪
♪ I wonder why I can't help but misbehave ♪
♪ Just to keep you close ♪
- [yelps] - [song stops]
- [Lionel chuckling] - Oh, my God!
Lionel, you okay?
Oh. I'm either in love or have Ebola.
Well, can you elaborate?
Because one of those is contagious.
[knocking at door]
- Come in. Over here. - [door opens]
Oh, I didn't see this coming.
But, uh, you two have my support.
I mean, that's what I'm supposed to say, right?
Alas, Lionel's heart belongs to another.
Well, there's plenty of fish in the sea, son.
- Are you ready? - Yeah. Let me put on my shoes.
Whoa. Moses Brown...
and Dr. Ruskin.
- Where'd you get this? - Oh. It's research.
Dr. Edward Ruskin was one of our greatest educators.
He just wasn't a good fit for Winchester.
- Son, you ready? - Yeah, let's go.
Good to see you, Lionel.
[door closes]
[typing on phone]
Whoa.
It's a lot,
but I stand by it,
no matter what the fallout may be.
So, is this a black Illuminati situation?
Those amateurs.
Pops.
- Pops. - Hmm?
Yeah.
Well...
I finally gave you some rope...
And I hang myself.
No, son, you're flying.
This really takes guts.
Why are you saying it like you're giving an eulogy?
Look, we can't talk here.
[Fairbanks] Are you all right?
Yeah, it's a lot to digest.
It's important that you understand what the Order is really capable of.
Son...
I am really proud of you.
[Troy] No pressure,
but I thought you might want to see it.
And thanks.
I didn't do anything.
If you ever want to catch up, I'm here.
[Penelope] Aww.
You got the Holy Grail of recommendations and you still weren't good enough.
Do you hear me, Colandrea?
Colandrea.
[echoing] Coco? Coco? Coco?
[Reggie] Hey, Co.
You good?
Yeah.
You?
I've been better.
How's, um...
How's Muffy doing?
Been better.
Almost done, brother. Hang in there.
Quality control is a marathon.
Are you behind silencing Muffy?
The streets is talking.
First, have you ever heard of a segue?
Second,
when did I start caring about what the streets are saying?
I think you care a lot.
What kind of threat silences the daughter of a state senator?
Who has that kind of power?
Who you been talking to?
The question is,
who have you been talking to?
Did I tip you off?
[exhales]
What did I tell you about distractions?
You can't let people take you off your game.
I worshipped you!
Hey, guys. Why don't you give us the room? Go ahead.
Go. Go.
[door closes]
[chuckles]
All right, come on, man.
You know how these girls are.
No.
No, I don't.
- Why don't you tell me? - Look, you ever had too much to drink?
Maybe I'm remembering it...
differently than her.
But it was consensual.
You told me you stopped.
What are you doing? Do you have any idea...
what you're walking away from?
I'm offering you more than anything you could ever dream of.
- You understand that? - No, thanks.
There are people who don't want to see me win!
See us win!
You had it right the first time.
There are people who don't want to see you win.
And motherfucker, now I'm one of them.
[door thuds]
[knocking at door]
What do you want?
- Joe, I'm sorry. - Sorry, angry, miserable, stuck.
Look, I'm done upending my entire life to make yours tolerable.
- Is that what you've been doing? - Yes!
You treat me like a video game.
You fuck with me till you fall asleep and leave me going,
"Are you still playing? Are you still playing?"
Girl, I finally watched the doc on Shamu and I'm ready to make some changes to...
Oh.
[exhales] How long have you been feeling like this?
Since always.
Then why didn't you tell me?
Because if I'm not perfect, then you'll fall apart!
Will I?
- Or will you? - [loud clatter]
[thud]
I finally confronted Moses.
You were right.
You were making him great.
It wasn't the other way around.
I'm sorry.
Daphne!
Gas up the Mystery Machine.
We're about to crack this case.
All right... Okay...
I don't drive.
Have fun at your little adventure!
Did you tell him about all this?
I don't mean to be vulgar, but he has been inside me.
[Lionel inhales]
That's really visual.
Oh.
[doorbell rings]
- Don't ring the doorbell! - Why not?
We don't know whose house this could be.
Velma, chill.
[Ruskin clears throat]
[Ruskin] Moses and I joined the Order when we were in grad school.
A decade later, we were both up for tenure
at Winchester,
a place where my great-great-grandfather was a slave.
We felt like we were really...
changing things.
[Lionel] Dean Fairbanks said
Winchester wasn't a good fit for you.
Well, Walter didn't know why you asked.
The directory says you're on sabbatical.
Does anyone know you're still here?
Have you made contact with the young lady?
Muffy?
Muffy.
On the nose,
but that's her name.
Moses' predilection for...
impressionable subordinates has never waned.
This happened before with Moses.
And the Order swept it under the rug,
just like it's doing now.
A powerful faction within the Order,
one obsessed with gaining and protecting status and wealth.
It has infected the entire organization,
but there are still a few of us who are still fighting for what's right.
When I met you at the bell tower,
I saw a spark in your eyes that I never thought I'd see again.
You wanted us to join your faction to help right the Order.
Why didn't you just say that?
The power of the Order
is in the dream
of what the Order can be.
I was afraid to tell you what it was.
Another well-intentioned idea ruined...
by tribalism.
Just how powerful are these people?
Well, come on. I'll show you.
These are all the members?
[Ruskin] I had a decorator come and spruce things up.
I have no idea who these people are.
Of course they are.
Wait, he's in it?
- She's in it. - [Ruskin] Well, like I said,
powerful people.
They probably threatened this young girl's academic future.
Children of politicians have a treasure trove of secrets
to be controlled by.
I'm not gonna lie,
it's kind of low-key lit
that a group of fancy black people have this much influence.
Nothing like the Illuminati. Those white people is crazy.
I apologize for all the subterfuge,
but when the Order sees a threat coming,
it neutralizes it.
So, what?
This is the part where you ask us to join again?
This is the part where I ask you to forget about all of this.
The Order, Moses.
And when you can forgive me for upending your lives,
forget me, too.
The only voice you need in your head is your own.
"Kill the narrator."
[Ruskin] Well, yes.
I saw a film today.
It was a little rough around the edges, but...
it gave me hope that the ideals the Order was founded on
might survive.
Wow. You saw my...
Griggins Tells the Truth.
[Ruskin] Skyler's best work.
["Yonkers" by Tyler The Creator plays]
Now, remember.
If you ever tell anyone anything about what we discussed today,
I'll have to kill you.
[Sam & Lionel laughing]
[both stop laughing]
You're kidding.
Let's never have to find out.
Oh!
♪ Rapping as I'm mocking deaf rock stars Wearing synthetic wigs... ♪
Would you sign this for me?
Either name.
Keep following the truth,
wherever it may lead you.
♪ This nigga Jasper trying to get grown About 5'7"... ♪
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a nice evening.
♪ While Syd is telling me That she's been getting intimate... ♪
So, uh...
is Gabe going to come back, or...?
I met Professor Brown when I was an undergrad at Yale.
I worshipped him.
Even when things... escalated,
I was more afraid of believing he was capable of these things
than of what happened.
So, I get that what I'm saying is hard to hear, but...
[Ikumi exhales]
Tell your story.
Or they will.
Okay.
I felt...
anger...
when I read this.
And at first I thought it was because Brooke used my namesake
to say some cray-ass shit, but...
then I realized I was really mad at the fact that
everyone was so trapped in their little hatreds
that they never had a chance to see their way out.
To be honest, it relit something in me I wondered if I'd lost.
Real talk, I let some hateful people convince me
that my anger was the same as hate, but...
if you've ever loved anything, the world will make you angry.
And then, what is justice if there is no anger?
[snapping]
As God is my witness,
I'm going to find that goddamn dog!
Yo, I worked on the issue, and I'm proud of it,
but I also felt same kind of way when I read Brooke's story, too.
I was like, "Why does the white Moses dude have to 'talk black'?"
You calling him a phony, or...?
Everyone knows about code-switching.
Everyone but Al, actually.
I know the work raises some uncomfortable questions,
but we still have to ask them.
Whoever told you life would be comfortable...
...lied to you.
Yeah.
And sometimes you just need to grow up,
and accept that you'll have to deal with negative feelings.
[Kelsey] You're right,
but isn't the point of political satire
to illuminate a better way?
Must it be one thing or another?
Good or bad?
Pass or fail?
[Reggie] I think we have to be capable of holding a space
for the bad...
and good
in a person or a thing.
Devil's advocate, though.
Can't you hear how that may make you sound like an apologist?
Yeah, well, there's no excuse for what Moses did.
At all.
But Kübler-Ross said that there's five stages of grief.
I mean, I'm no psych major,
but Al is and I'm way smarter than Al, so...
[crowd chuckling]
Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
And...
then acceptance.
And sometimes back again.
I just wish that I was able to get through those stages faster,
but, um...
sometimes all a person has is a hero.
Muffy...
I am so sorry.
Thank you.
Well, um...
I just want to thank everyone for sharing.
And Troy
for giving us so much to talk about.
[students murmuring, snapping]
And Brooke.
[Coco] Do we really need to thank Brooke more than she's already thanked herself?
- Of course. - Yeah.
- Sorry to keep you waiting. - Oh. Are you?
'Cause I thought we agreed that you would take her starting at 3:00 p.m. sharp.
Where's my child support money?
Well, you know...
- It's... coming. - Hmm.
Yeah.
So how are you and Gabe?
We're good.
Great, actually.
Well, good.
It's nice to have you here.
Thanks.
Hey, so...
I'm not going to do Dear White People anymore.
Whoa.
Did Rikki get to you?
No, it was Dereca.
She has this thing called a Truth Bomb,
and I'm not entirely sure that it works, but I'm going to give it a go.
[inhales] Um...
So, look, I think that I thought I was being a friend,
and it was fun,
but it's just not a shoe that fits.
And honestly, I've never been the type to share shoes,
'cause that shit is gross.
But...
can we still be friends or nah?
Damn.
I mean, yes, of course. Yes.
I get it.
It's just...
am I ready to Kübler-Ross my way this instant to letting it go?
Who says you have to?
You're not her, you're not trying to be her.
Yeah, okay.
Wait, which her?
Well, girl, there's Jamila, Rikki, Coco low-key...
- Bitch, you saying I got patterns? - Ha.
Like a chess boardt.
- Wow. 'Cause it's black and white. - Yeah, you got it.
- [Joelle] Yeah. - [Sam] Damn.
[Lionel] Oh.
Like, who's a playwright major at an Ivy...
with that muscle tone? Ugh.
Michael.
E-fucking-gad!
Ugh!
I am into him. Mmm.
I can tell.
You really think it's going to work?
I mean, I hope it will.
Well, that is just fucking awesome.
It's great. Super happy.
Well, school stuff.
- You know how that is, girl. - I sure do, bitch!
[chuckling]
Okay, bitch!
What the hell just happened?
It's like our eyes could see each other's subtext
but kept that information from our mouths.
And I just said, "I sure do, bitch," and it actually sounded credible.
[Troy] We need to talk.
Dear White People, that taco you're eating was made by immigrants.
Dear Ted Cruz, your real name is Rafael and you're Cuban,
you fucking sellout.
♪ Taken me this long To finally realize I'm fantastic ♪
♪ I used to write my little raps They'd always look right past it ♪
♪ Like it's average ♪
Wassup?
♪ Porque yo tengo el "Yo no sé acá" ♪
♪ Flow que mata, ah ♪
♪ El que dirá♪
♪ A mí me vale, critica ♪
♪ Yo soy la fuckin' Mexicana Muy honesta la chava ♪
♪ Yo no ando con pendejadas Aquí rifan las barras ♪
♪ A mí me dijo mi madre Que yo nunca me raje ♪
♪ Que no hable el que no sabe Nosotros somos de calle ♪
♪ Hasta en mi territorio Yo traigo llave y se abre ♪
♪ Lo que quiero yo tengo Ah, punto y aparte ♪
♪ Plus I got a bitch in my DMs ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout where her man ♪
♪ Talkin' 'bout he comment..
♪ I just tell my friends y se ríen ♪
♪ Bitch, I jaja con jota Hahaha with the J ♪
♪ I speak English and Spanish I'm bilingual all day ♪
♪ Fuck Trump Wait, oops, that slipped out ♪
♪ Man, I never know Who's in this crowd ♪
♪ Need a prayer... ♪
♪ Never really know... ♪
♪ Ni de aquí ni de allá A mí me gustan los dos ♪
♪ Mucha crema a tus tacos Y se te quema el arroz ♪
♪ ¿Hola, qué tal? ♪
♪ ¿Dime, cómo están? Yo ni soy de aquí ni soy de allá♪
♪ ¿Hola, qué tal? ♪
[woman] Woo-hoo! [laughs]
[neon buzzing]